Fiction: Relief

I wish that I felt like I was an active participant in my life, not skulking, waiting in the side lines similar to a spectator at a sports game. I should be cheering myself on, thriving with ambition, yet a thick dark cloud looms over my head, gradually increasing in size and weight. Soon it will feel as though I am Atlas, carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, unable to find my balance or stability. I cannot let it get that far. The rain drums repeatedly over the window above my bed, whilst I lay surrounded by words, paper and my misery. Misery is nothing new, however it feels like it will drag me down an unmarked path and one day I will never find my way back. Things have to change, I need to change, I ponder this thought whilst blankly staring at my next assignment. My gaze flickers from this to my TV showing an old re-run of some American sitcom in which the protagonist is a beautiful buxom blonde, I feel even more ordinary. I move and check my phone, nothing, as to be expected. Surely life is more than meeting deadlines, re-runs and waiting for some kind of contact from anyone considered a friend.

"Lily" my mother's voice echoes off the walls into my room. I pull myself out of bed and follow it down the rickety staircase, " have you decided what you're doing for New Years Eve yet?". Sighing I drop down onto the worn brown leather sofa " I have no plans, no invitations, no nothing". My mother stares, finally rises, and clears her throat, declaring " Well whose fault is that, If you didn't hole yourself away and actually.." I cut her off before this entire tirade continued, ".. contacted anyone, I know" growling "I've heard this all before. I don't need this, or you telling me how pathetic my life has become, you. know. nothing" I seethed, clambering over the arm of the sofa, fleeing back to my seclusion.

Every action is controlled, I close my door carefully, walk over to my bookcase, kneel down on my hard wood flooring and retrieve an old cigarette box. Counting, I pull out notes and coins, "$670" I whisper to myself before giving in and collapsing on the floor. I am positive I have a few more dollars in my purse to add to the total I ponder to myself, utterly fed up with the situation I have found myself in at 23 years old. Change is inevitable I reason, the plan forming in the dark recesses of my mind feels like light at the end of the tunnel. My mind is made up, now just for the destination. I bought a new Atlas, taking it out of my bookcase, I stroked the red leather cover and brought it to my nose, it smelled fresh, new, full of opportunity. My sister made fun of me when I grabbed it off the shelf in the local bookstore, " Why the hell do you need that, plan on getting lost?" she joked as she leafed through a cook book, if only she knew how close she really was I chuckled, my mouth feeling tight with that unfamiliar expression.

Flopping down onto my bed I decided on how to go about finding my destination, running my chipped black thumb nail over the pages several times, I decided this was the one, and stopped as I reached near the end. Life has endless opportunities and it's time to fully explore them.........